the Grief of infertility
From a Facebook post dated January 1, 2019
I want to take a moment to share something very private. Something I really haven’t talked about except to few close friends and family members.
I saw these words as I was scrolling through Facebook:
Dear Infertile Teacher.
I couldn’t scroll by. I had to read it. And although the words were written by another teacher, much of what she was reciting was my story. At the end of the post she says, “...maybe 2019 is about telling the truth.”
The truth is I didn’t find the love of my life until I was in my 40s. We both had our hearts set on having a baby. We went to work toward making that happen as soon as we were married. 😉 I love my two grown daughters more than life itself. If you know our story, you know I adopted them when they were 8 and 11. I’ve never had the experience of being pregnant. It is something I desperately want to experience and I know Robert will be the world’s best Daddy.
But life doesn’t always work out the way you dream it will.
But life doesn’t always work out the way you dream it will. After almost a year and a half of trying to get pregnant, Robert and I were told we were infertile. That word has the power to break hearts and it has broken mine.
That is not how the story is supposed to unfold. I may be in my 40s, but women in their 40s have babies everyday—why not me? I have to say I have the most wonderful husband. He has held me, loved me, and encouraged me through many tear filled nights. But the yearning for a baby doesn’t magically go away just because a doctor has told you it’s not possible though conventional means.
The author of this post and her raw honesty resonated with me. We have been told our only hope of having a baby is through embryo donation. Anyone who has dealt with infertility, knows that insurance doesn’t cover fertility treatment, and what we’re talking about comes with a large price tag. Something far out of the reach of a family living on a teacher’s salary. This reality just furthers my grief.
I know God in his infinite wisdom has a plan for us, but it doesn’t make this reality hurt less.
I know God in his infinite wisdom has a plan for us, but it doesn’t make this reality hurt less. I realize as I write these words, we’re not the only couple walking through this as evidenced by the blog post that stopped me cold. However, I also realize with my own reticence to talk about it, it is a topic we don’t always openly discuss.
For those walking this same road. You are not alone. I’d be happy to talk with you, hug you, and walk beside you as you walk this road.